Most of us have those 'might have been' moments. Disappointed in where we find ourselves; depressed at the future we seem to see; sensing lost opportunities-whatever it is, the moment seems to come when we are down on our life.
What might have been if I had not been so shy around that high school girl? What might have been if I had pursued acting? What might have been if I had taken the other church? Whatever it is for me or you, we mentally play out a scenario that seems to be better than what we have. We tend to focus only on a positive what might have been. The danger is we grow even more disillusioned about the 'what is' of our lives.
Think about some of those less than great moments in our lives. What might have been if I had not survived with only scratches from rolling our family car three times? What might have been if I had suffered a concussion or worse when I fell and my head bounced on the concrete porch in Warsaw? What might have been if our van full of youth had not been running late in the Carolinas and we arrived near the interstate bridge just after a fiery crash?
Might have been could go either way. When I find myself drawn to such moments I reflect on the what is because of the path and choices my life has taken. I have a woman who has shared my life and has spent most of her adult life living too far from her family yet she loves me still. I have 5 or 6 children (depending on how you count children) who have grown to be interesting adults. I am filled with pride at how they handle the best and worst moments in their lives. If I could only remember their names!
I have seven incredible grandchildren who call me grandpa, papa, and pa. They can't seem to agree on what to call me, except when I won't do what they want! Each one has given me moments of laughter and wonder and shared love. I have a lifelong circle of friends who love me even if they don't always understand me. With all of this why dip into what might have been?
My hunch is we miss appreciating what we have done and, more importantly, who we have been to others by dwelling on the might have been. My hunch is you have touched lives in ways you never imagined and may never know because of the path you have taken. I don't know what might have been but it is hard to imagine how it could beat the what is of my life shared with so many wonderful individuals who have blessed and bless my life today.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Field Day
Beneath a blanket of gray skies and rain drops dotting my glasses I helped turn a field of grass into a field of fun. Moms, Dads, and one Grandpa looked as one when someone said, "Here they come." I don't know if it was meant as announcement or warning! Single file like an army of ants on the move the Kindergartners walked toward us. Organizer and holder of the bullhorn Cindy was doing her best to turn a single file into a circle for "Ring Around the Rosie." The circle kept disintegrating into spontaneous pools of children moving in a thousand different directions. There was finally a moment of calm as the game began only to be replaced by chaos as some children went left and others went right.
Colored circles on their hands were intended to divide them into what I hoped would be more manageable groups of 10 or less. Of course this was built on the assumption they paid attention to their color. I was in charge of the sack race. Fitting young bodies into bags is like stuffing pasta-it tends to go everywhere. And what child cannot not understand the directions of dividing a group of 10 by 2 for two separate races! They hopped, walked, crawled like centipedes, and often fell out of the bags-most not caring who won, just focused on the fun.
In the midst of the chaos and near lack of any control I talked and teased with the children. AND then it happened. They always find you. The ones who move like a moth to a flame, drawn towards the smile on your face, the gentle touch of your hand on their shoulder, and the recognition that you see them as somebody. I found myself with a shadow, not worried about what color was on his hand, who seemed to be one step behind me at all times. I nearly stepped on him twice. A young girl giggled and bounced off of me with a smile that brought sunshine to a cloudy day.
They always find you-people of all ages that could use some affirmation, some recognition that they are somebody, or who simply need some more human caring contact. I had a great time but I am getting too old for this! Sitting on my patio as the sunlight slipped behind my roof and the moon grew more visible in the fading light Field Day came back to me. It came with a smile for my face and a question for my heart: Am I always ready to be found?
Colored circles on their hands were intended to divide them into what I hoped would be more manageable groups of 10 or less. Of course this was built on the assumption they paid attention to their color. I was in charge of the sack race. Fitting young bodies into bags is like stuffing pasta-it tends to go everywhere. And what child cannot not understand the directions of dividing a group of 10 by 2 for two separate races! They hopped, walked, crawled like centipedes, and often fell out of the bags-most not caring who won, just focused on the fun.
In the midst of the chaos and near lack of any control I talked and teased with the children. AND then it happened. They always find you. The ones who move like a moth to a flame, drawn towards the smile on your face, the gentle touch of your hand on their shoulder, and the recognition that you see them as somebody. I found myself with a shadow, not worried about what color was on his hand, who seemed to be one step behind me at all times. I nearly stepped on him twice. A young girl giggled and bounced off of me with a smile that brought sunshine to a cloudy day.
They always find you-people of all ages that could use some affirmation, some recognition that they are somebody, or who simply need some more human caring contact. I had a great time but I am getting too old for this! Sitting on my patio as the sunlight slipped behind my roof and the moon grew more visible in the fading light Field Day came back to me. It came with a smile for my face and a question for my heart: Am I always ready to be found?
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The Sound of Silence
"There is more silence in one person than can be used in a single human life"-Max Picard. I have been wrestling for some time about the countless words I have said and written. I have felt a growing need to 'shut up'. We are bombarded with "noise, noise, noise" (apologies to Dr. Seuss). I have decided to take a sabbatical from contributing to the noise. I need to use some of that silence I have kept stored up in me all these years. I want to thank all of you who have been my caring critics and the compliments you have offered to my writing and speaking. It is time for me to listen and to walk in the stillness of life.
Friday, April 13, 2012
"Gunfight at the Not OK Corral"
One of my all time favorite western movies is "Tombstone", released in 1993. Set in Tombstone, Arizona the Earp Brothers and Doc Holliday have a shootout at the OK Corral with some members of the Clanton Gang. In the movie there is no doubt about who the good guys and the bad guys are. In a dusty, tension filled scene they face each other, hands resting on their guns. Doc winks at one of the bad guys and, in reaction, the shooting fills the air. Nothing is really settled that day but conflict fills the rest of the film. The good news is the bad guys lose.
As the primary presidential political dust seems to be settling I wonder if we are headed for a "gunfight at the Not OK Corral." The 'war chests' are well stocked with cash, the ads will run over and over and over again, and the 'shooting' at the character of the opposing party candidate will be mean. And I do not think it is going to take a wink to start the fight.
The dilemma I have is-who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? While I have a definite political perspective and will work to have one of them win I am disappointed at the way both sides will portray the other candidate as 'the bad guy.' Is either candidate really a bad person? We may disagree with their political perspective but I will not call either of them evil or criticize their person. Yet that is likely to happen in the media coverage, in the 'talking heads' television and radio shows, and too often in our own conversations.
I am concerned that, beginning in May, our political landscape will take us to the Not OK Corral where winning is everything. Ads will fly like bullets and shooting will continue until November. Half-truths, edited quotes taken out of context, and often frightening talk about will happen to America if the other guy wins will be the weapons this time. When the dust clears and the voting polls close will the good guys or the bad guys win? And how will I know?
"Tombstone" is one of the few films I will watch again and again. "Campaign 2012-Gunfight at the Not OK Corral" is a film I will be glad is over and gone from the screen of American life. The meanness of the current political environment will likely produce a film few will enjoy.
As the primary presidential political dust seems to be settling I wonder if we are headed for a "gunfight at the Not OK Corral." The 'war chests' are well stocked with cash, the ads will run over and over and over again, and the 'shooting' at the character of the opposing party candidate will be mean. And I do not think it is going to take a wink to start the fight.
The dilemma I have is-who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? While I have a definite political perspective and will work to have one of them win I am disappointed at the way both sides will portray the other candidate as 'the bad guy.' Is either candidate really a bad person? We may disagree with their political perspective but I will not call either of them evil or criticize their person. Yet that is likely to happen in the media coverage, in the 'talking heads' television and radio shows, and too often in our own conversations.
I am concerned that, beginning in May, our political landscape will take us to the Not OK Corral where winning is everything. Ads will fly like bullets and shooting will continue until November. Half-truths, edited quotes taken out of context, and often frightening talk about will happen to America if the other guy wins will be the weapons this time. When the dust clears and the voting polls close will the good guys or the bad guys win? And how will I know?
"Tombstone" is one of the few films I will watch again and again. "Campaign 2012-Gunfight at the Not OK Corral" is a film I will be glad is over and gone from the screen of American life. The meanness of the current political environment will likely produce a film few will enjoy.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Of Mallards and Easter Eve
I could not believe my eyes. Glancing out a back window I saw them strolling through the grass-the male with his glistening green head and the female a few steps away blending into the grass with her mottled light brown feathers. Why would a pair of mallards be in my backyard? Cautiously, under the watchful eye of her mate, the female moved beneath my bird feeders and began to eat the seed on the ground.
Days later it was all my two grandsons could do to sit still on the swing as the female landed in the grass by the lilac bushes. When she felt safe, she began to feed. We watched in wonder as her beak gobbled up the seed and slight shivers in her neck sent the food down to her stomach.
This Saturday morning, the day before Easter Sunday, I spotted her as I picked up the morning paper. She was sitting on the peak of a neighbor's house-a living weather vane. I gave her little thought until the afternoon when I saw the empty feeders. Scooping out the seed from the quickly emptying 40 pound bag in the garage I filled them. It costs a lot to feed birds, let alone a mallard duck! It wasn't long before the picky birds were back, searching for seed they liked and flicking the rejected seed to the ground.
It was then that she silently swooped in, her shadow brushing over my face. Her eyes, black pinpoints in a feathery brown body, watched me. Looking at her left me wondering what she was thinking. I did not pick her, she picked me. Uninvited she doesn't sing in the morning or at dusk. But she needs to eat too.
On this Easter Eve, in the first moments of Easter Day, my thoughts are drawn to Jesus who was a 'God-bearer' who came to feed all people with the promise of love, life, and community. Jesus didn't sort out who got to eat with him or listen to him or walk with him or even die with him. He simply put love out there, even on a cross. I did not pick him, he picked me. It occurs to me the Church (myself included) is often more like me than Jesus. I want to decide who can feed in my yard. What do we do with the uninvited?
Easter is about what to do with the uninvited, the ones we do not pick to love but who still need to be fed. On this Easter Eve I hope I am helping a pair of mallards watch over eggs bearing the promise of new life. On this Easter Eve I pray I am helping the too often uninvited to be loved that new life might stir for them.
Days later it was all my two grandsons could do to sit still on the swing as the female landed in the grass by the lilac bushes. When she felt safe, she began to feed. We watched in wonder as her beak gobbled up the seed and slight shivers in her neck sent the food down to her stomach.
This Saturday morning, the day before Easter Sunday, I spotted her as I picked up the morning paper. She was sitting on the peak of a neighbor's house-a living weather vane. I gave her little thought until the afternoon when I saw the empty feeders. Scooping out the seed from the quickly emptying 40 pound bag in the garage I filled them. It costs a lot to feed birds, let alone a mallard duck! It wasn't long before the picky birds were back, searching for seed they liked and flicking the rejected seed to the ground.
It was then that she silently swooped in, her shadow brushing over my face. Her eyes, black pinpoints in a feathery brown body, watched me. Looking at her left me wondering what she was thinking. I did not pick her, she picked me. Uninvited she doesn't sing in the morning or at dusk. But she needs to eat too.
On this Easter Eve, in the first moments of Easter Day, my thoughts are drawn to Jesus who was a 'God-bearer' who came to feed all people with the promise of love, life, and community. Jesus didn't sort out who got to eat with him or listen to him or walk with him or even die with him. He simply put love out there, even on a cross. I did not pick him, he picked me. It occurs to me the Church (myself included) is often more like me than Jesus. I want to decide who can feed in my yard. What do we do with the uninvited?
Easter is about what to do with the uninvited, the ones we do not pick to love but who still need to be fed. On this Easter Eve I hope I am helping a pair of mallards watch over eggs bearing the promise of new life. On this Easter Eve I pray I am helping the too often uninvited to be loved that new life might stir for them.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
"Every Once in a While"
I should be in bed! I watched the Oscars tonight for the first time in many years; in part because I control my work schedule now. That is, except for the care of my life partner who will need me to get up at some point during the night to help with post surgery care. I will never receive an Oscar for the recurring role of Nurse Norm but I find joy in being there for her.
I know many people did not, would not, and cannot watch the Oscars. It is time for confession (the pastor said this morning confession could be good for us-I actually was listening!). As a child I spent many hours playing roles, some in my mind and some with my friends. I was Clark Kent to my neighbor Carol's Lois Lane. Much like Clark in the Superman television role, others could not see me as Superman. I managed teams and made winning plays using baseball cards laid out on my bed. A pencil and marbles became bat and balls. I even kept scorecards for each game. I often think I was born a dreamer in search of answers.
One of my dreams was to be an actor. "The Mouse That Roared" was one of my shining moments on the stage-high school, that is. I sat in Grandpa Boyles' house and was drawn into the scariness of "The Thing" on his black and white television (I really am that old). 007 was a fantasy of what I could do to make things right. And "In Cold Blood" took me into a disturbing world I did not know existed where you might never be able to make things right. Years later I realized I would never be, in the laugh-at-yourself voice of Jon Lovitz, "The Master Thespian." I was moved to tears by "Good Morning Vietnam." I still can feel the sadness and irony of a country visually exploding in violence and death while Louis Armstrong's voice could be heard singing "It's A Wonderful World."
During the Oscars they showed a clip of movie folk talking about what makes a great movie. One of them said "Every once in a while you find the truth." What movie woke you up to a truth for your life, a truth about life, a truth worth risking your life to make it happen? I wanted to be an actor for lots of reasons. One was because I believed I could help myself and others see new realities. The right words, the well chosen words, even the silly words could reveal the truths I sought.
Well, as my readers know, I ended up on a smaller stage and played a singular role. I was not well cast as "The Preacher" and I fearfully stepped out onto that stage Sunday after Sunday. Rarely confident I had any word for others I hoped that every once in a while those listening found a truth. It is the power of film, great films tucked in a sea of silly films. It is the power of the spoken word to grab you and leave you moved to a new understanding.
Maybe in truth we are all 'actors' on the stage of our lives; actors in search of a role that gives life, wonder, joy, and meaning. If we are lucky we find some answers we discover as truth. If we are willing to share the stage with other actors they reach inside our 'role' and pull us out into the discovery that it can be a wonderful world even in the raw, painful moments (I am really good at run on sentences). I should be in bed! "Good night, Mrs. Calabash wherever you are!"
I know many people did not, would not, and cannot watch the Oscars. It is time for confession (the pastor said this morning confession could be good for us-I actually was listening!). As a child I spent many hours playing roles, some in my mind and some with my friends. I was Clark Kent to my neighbor Carol's Lois Lane. Much like Clark in the Superman television role, others could not see me as Superman. I managed teams and made winning plays using baseball cards laid out on my bed. A pencil and marbles became bat and balls. I even kept scorecards for each game. I often think I was born a dreamer in search of answers.
One of my dreams was to be an actor. "The Mouse That Roared" was one of my shining moments on the stage-high school, that is. I sat in Grandpa Boyles' house and was drawn into the scariness of "The Thing" on his black and white television (I really am that old). 007 was a fantasy of what I could do to make things right. And "In Cold Blood" took me into a disturbing world I did not know existed where you might never be able to make things right. Years later I realized I would never be, in the laugh-at-yourself voice of Jon Lovitz, "The Master Thespian." I was moved to tears by "Good Morning Vietnam." I still can feel the sadness and irony of a country visually exploding in violence and death while Louis Armstrong's voice could be heard singing "It's A Wonderful World."
During the Oscars they showed a clip of movie folk talking about what makes a great movie. One of them said "Every once in a while you find the truth." What movie woke you up to a truth for your life, a truth about life, a truth worth risking your life to make it happen? I wanted to be an actor for lots of reasons. One was because I believed I could help myself and others see new realities. The right words, the well chosen words, even the silly words could reveal the truths I sought.
Well, as my readers know, I ended up on a smaller stage and played a singular role. I was not well cast as "The Preacher" and I fearfully stepped out onto that stage Sunday after Sunday. Rarely confident I had any word for others I hoped that every once in a while those listening found a truth. It is the power of film, great films tucked in a sea of silly films. It is the power of the spoken word to grab you and leave you moved to a new understanding.
Maybe in truth we are all 'actors' on the stage of our lives; actors in search of a role that gives life, wonder, joy, and meaning. If we are lucky we find some answers we discover as truth. If we are willing to share the stage with other actors they reach inside our 'role' and pull us out into the discovery that it can be a wonderful world even in the raw, painful moments (I am really good at run on sentences). I should be in bed! "Good night, Mrs. Calabash wherever you are!"
Friday, February 24, 2012
"$4 Gas-Really?"
I am almost afraid to drive past my gas station more than once a day. I don't know if I am causing it but every time I drive by it seems the price of gas goes up. Now there is talk (again) of $4 gas this summer. And gas prices appear to be poised to be the next political fear factor. Really?
It is reported there are gas stations near Disney World charging $5.89 NOW. I don't know if this is true but, in the spirit of the political season, I will not let that stop me from saying it is true. A politician promises that, if he is elected president, gas will cost no more than $2.50 a gallon. He suggests the re-election of the current president will lead to even higher gas prices-fear factor!
I have been fortunate to have visited a number of countries the past 6 months. On average drivers in those countries are paying $5.50-$6.50 in US dollars for a gallon of gas and have been for some time! Oil is a global commodity and we are part of a global world. To suggest we can control the price at the pump by ourselves is foolish. I don't like paying more for my gas but I will not allow it to become a fear factor in my voting decisions. This is not simply an American issue and, in fact, we have it better than most of the world. Pandering to my fears is not helpful to the larger political issues our country faces.
Fear Factor may be okay for a television show but not for our future as a society. Fear divides instead of uniting. The NYPD is in the news for a large scale surveillance of the Muslim community. This was done in the name of protecting the city. Assuming you have done nothing wrong how would you like someone writing down your car's license plate number and taking your picture when you go to church on Sunday? "Muslim", for some, is a fear word that justifies questionable actions.
The religion of our current president has been raised again. It has been suggested he might not be a 'Christian' or, at the least, he does not live as the Bible says we should live as followers of Jesus. Sure thought I read somewhere about 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' Playing to fears divides us. Demonizing those who do not share our views or agree with us is not helpful.
Address the issues that matter to us as a nation. 1.46 million Americans are NOW living on $2 a day. "Fracking" for oil has serious environmental concerns beyond the price at the pump. Young men and women continue to serve our country and die in multiple countries. The world economy has tremors we feel in
America. Economists suggest what we have enjoyed as 'the American way of life' will not ever be the same again. Who will address the larger, crucial matters without resorting to playing on my fears? $4 gas is the political subject of the day-REALLY?
It is reported there are gas stations near Disney World charging $5.89 NOW. I don't know if this is true but, in the spirit of the political season, I will not let that stop me from saying it is true. A politician promises that, if he is elected president, gas will cost no more than $2.50 a gallon. He suggests the re-election of the current president will lead to even higher gas prices-fear factor!
I have been fortunate to have visited a number of countries the past 6 months. On average drivers in those countries are paying $5.50-$6.50 in US dollars for a gallon of gas and have been for some time! Oil is a global commodity and we are part of a global world. To suggest we can control the price at the pump by ourselves is foolish. I don't like paying more for my gas but I will not allow it to become a fear factor in my voting decisions. This is not simply an American issue and, in fact, we have it better than most of the world. Pandering to my fears is not helpful to the larger political issues our country faces.
Fear Factor may be okay for a television show but not for our future as a society. Fear divides instead of uniting. The NYPD is in the news for a large scale surveillance of the Muslim community. This was done in the name of protecting the city. Assuming you have done nothing wrong how would you like someone writing down your car's license plate number and taking your picture when you go to church on Sunday? "Muslim", for some, is a fear word that justifies questionable actions.
The religion of our current president has been raised again. It has been suggested he might not be a 'Christian' or, at the least, he does not live as the Bible says we should live as followers of Jesus. Sure thought I read somewhere about 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' Playing to fears divides us. Demonizing those who do not share our views or agree with us is not helpful.
Address the issues that matter to us as a nation. 1.46 million Americans are NOW living on $2 a day. "Fracking" for oil has serious environmental concerns beyond the price at the pump. Young men and women continue to serve our country and die in multiple countries. The world economy has tremors we feel in
America. Economists suggest what we have enjoyed as 'the American way of life' will not ever be the same again. Who will address the larger, crucial matters without resorting to playing on my fears? $4 gas is the political subject of the day-REALLY?
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